Coming Out Story

Oh my, I haven't been posting here at all last year. Reposting this from my tumblr~

It has occurred to me that I’ve never really openly expressed how I felt after “coming out.” I’m not the type of person that would write “Bisexual” on all my social media profiles, but I just want to let this out my system.

It hasn’t been 2 years yet since I’ve been “out” but to be honest, it’s more of I’m just sticking my leg out the closet. But first, here’s a little story on how I’ve come to know my sexuality.

Also, for a little background: The Philippines isn’t an LGBT-friendly country despite the claim. We are predominantly Catholic, with strict teachings on heterosexual relationships and a society that makes fun of you if you are openly gay.

As a kid, I wasn’t very feminine. I preferred wearing t-shirts and shorts, I liked to play with cars and robots, and coupled with my short hair– I was very tomboyish. My parents never scolded me for preferring guy toys over Barbie dolls, and my mom never stopped buying me t-shirts rather than filling my closet with dresses. Of course, the concept of attraction was foreign to me at that time until I was in 2nd grade. That was when I discovered my “natural” attraction towards guys (I was still very tomboyish though). I’ve had maybe a dozen crushes throughout my grade school years, with one guy I’m particularly very loyal to. I was in a Catholic school mind you, so naturally we were taught man is for woman, which was unfortunately ingrained in me (but this was after I had developed crushes on guys). I was unconsciously homophobic and my old elementary drawings were evidence (I liked to draw queerbaiting comics with m/m pairings, always so openly disgusted of f/f, etc).

Here comes the awful, hormone-filled angsty high school phase. I was going through a lot of emotional rollercoasters in HS, one of them was my developing attraction towards some of my female classmates (I was more touchy with the girls, I never felt jealous when they looked pretty rather I was into them more etc) and it felt so wrong at that time. Again, it’s due to societal pressure so I did my best to shut down my homosexual feelings. I actually tried to be feminine, mostly to assure myself I was a girl. I still had my natural attraction towards guys, having several crushes and even having a boyfriend, but I still couldn’t shake off my attraction towards some of my female peers.

I had a falling out with the group of friends I frequented with back then, so to spare myself more drama I kept quiet about my sexuality (I was sure they would label me an attention whore if I confided it to them). While I eventually did allow my feelings to do as it pleases, I didn’t act on it till I was in college.

The state university I got into mostly had a female population and our batch in particular had the lowest number of males (and of those males, most of them are gay). Eventually, I’ve found a family in a small circle of mostly female friends AND had a relentless crush on one of them. I still refused to openly label myself as Bi, likely because I didn’t want any awkwardness between us while I “flirted” with her. I was marginally more intimate with her compared to the others (I was always a hugger type of friend), I almost always go out of my way for her, I treat her to free meals more often (but not more than what’s considered a friendly gesture), I liked holding her hand a lot and there was that one time that I just wanted to kiss her out of the blue. Of course, I’ve never had the courage to confess to her how I felt nor come out to my close friends even though they were open-minded and accepting people.

When I transferred to a university in a different city where I’m far from my hometown and my parents, that’s when I’ve finally come to fully accept my sexuality. My current uni was a hodgepodge of colorful people (of different cultures, sexuality, and had literally colorful hair) and while there was that assurance that I would be accepted by my peers at least, I still feared for how my parents would react so I kept quiet still. I eventually had a relationship with a girl which lasted longer than when I had a boyfriend so I felt the need to inform some of my closest friends. My gf then wanted me to tell my parents about us and I couldn’t because that meant I had to come out and I wasn’t ready yet. For reasons unrelated to coming out and whatnot, she broke up with me and that became a catalyst to my accidental coming out. I had a night out with friends and got horribly drunk that I had my father come fetch me from the bar. When we got home, my drunk ass self kept babbling about how much I still loved my ex and I drunkenly proclaimed I was Bisexual. I’ll be honest, I never felt the need to come out since I was no longer in that secret homosexual relationship, as I could just “pass myself as straight” again.

The next morning, having remembered everything I said while intoxicated I formally came out to my mom. She didn’t really understand the whole “I’m attracted to both guys and girls” thing but I just thought she needed time and I was grateful she was being open-minded about this. It was honestly relieving because finally I was being true to myself out loud; it was more comfortable expressing my sexual attraction towards girls just as I am with guys in a casual conversation with friends.

To my parents however… we never really talked about my sexuality again up until just recently so it didn’t feel like I was really out. Hell, my relatives don’t know, I couldn’t make gay jokes during my 21st bday (which I jokingly referred to as my coming out party) and whenever I posted f/f art on my facebook my mom would be fussy about it. In those almost two years that I was half-out, my queer expression remained subtle out of respect for my traditional parents that still found it uncomfortable. And when we had that recent talk, she mislabeled me a lesbian and fervently expressed that I should not become like Jake Zyrus (a Filipino trans celebrity). Now, I’m not really mad about being confused as lesbian (because a part of me is gay) but it’s just frustrating to see upfront a manifestation of my country’s internalized homophobia. She could have reacted far worse like disown me maybe, but it still hurts me nonetheless to be aware that my parents are merely tolerating me– treating this as merely “a phase.”

It’s probably why I’m more on the queer spectrum of my Bisexuality right now just to piss off my mom. It’s also probably quite a surprise to my non-close friends that I’m being aggressively gay in my social medias lol

Anyway, this obviously doesn’t compare to others’ coming out experience but I just really wanted let this out. This has been emotionally draining and it’s just the beginning ;A; Thanks for listening though if you made it at the bottom of this paragraph~